When I might have been most happy...

"Babe, I [heart] ya lots! Have fun and don't forget me...I want to eat you too!"

Eighth grade. Weird, huh? Let me explain.

Life felt infinitesimally simpler back then. As referenced from the lady killer pic above, I never thought I was attractive or confident enough to worry myself with the idea of a girlfriend...and I had the comfort and shelter of my protective parents for my material needs. Therefore, my simplified goals in life were:

• The pursuit of academic excellence. To a fault. I was consumed by it, and I think my mild OCD was exacerbated by it.
• Competition, namely the type that I knew I could excel in...which, at the time, meant math club.

I was absurdly into math competition. I was a gladiator of Number Sense...timed mental math. It's you versus 80 questions and ten minutes. Like bowling and golf, you determine your own destiny and success, and it's subsequently compared to others. Through good coaching, I discovered a natural knack for it, and I found myself inadvertently gunning for an individual state championship. In 1998, I finally got it. I remember distinctly not being excessively happy, but immensely satisfied. My motivations were driven by an unshakable sense of determinism that carried me day to day, and in the specific context of my two simplified goals, I was in full control of my destiny. It made me happy.

The only trophies I've kept, from state competitions in '97 & '98.

The problem is, I let it be a destination...an end point. I didn't realize back then that the journey also fulfilled me. As I got older, I learned to enjoy other aspects of life and my world became less simplified...my discipline and focus eroded. There were more avenues towards problems than avenues towards happiness.

Defining happiness in the context of that past moment is bittersweet after all these years. There have been both ups and downs since then, and I've lost that sense of determinism. I want it back. I'll have it back.